fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
