You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
