I'm eating all of the evidence.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
