I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
