Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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