I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
