I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
