So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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