Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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