I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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