I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
