So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
