i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
