Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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