I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
