There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
