smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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