i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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