I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
