i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
