Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Little spoons don't ask big questions
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
