WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Randomize