Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
