you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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