i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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