I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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