And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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