why didn't you poke me back
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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