i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
