I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
time to smoke my breakfast
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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