just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Randomize
