i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
