I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
When are your genitals available?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Randomize
