I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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