some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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