First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He shit in the fireplace
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