Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
