The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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