bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
oh god was she eating orange peels again
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
