Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
