just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
