don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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