I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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