cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
