I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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