I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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