uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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