Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize
