ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Holy sore nipples Batman
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
