WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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