how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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