I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
