At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
