I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
