he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
