I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
this hospital has no fireball
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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