She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
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