New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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