Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
