Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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