the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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